Bruce: The first thing I could come up with was just God. My relationship with Jesus came over time. I am not a member of any particular church. I can just go sit anywhere and listen. As I started to learn, I realized all those people couldn’t be wrong. I learned not to look for the faults in people and in life. I learned not to let the ugliness of the trees ruin the beauty of the forest. I can always look at what is wrong, but what about the other hundred things that were right? That’s how I was looking at the church. I wasn’t looking for the good. As I started to go and to listen more, it started to come together for me. I wanted to learn it. I was willing to hear it. It has taken some time, but I read scripture every morning. I am always trying to get a better understanding of God and His will for my life. I attend a Bible study. My buddy Dan has a preacher he likes on video, so on Fridays I go and watch the preacher’s message with him, then we talk about it after. Any chance I get. That’s what I do.
Bruce: Well my short-term memory isn’t what is used to be, unfortunately one of the consequences of my past lifestyle. It would probably be safer to say that there are not any that I don’t like. I don’t really understand all of it, but I can open it anywhere and read it. I can’t remember all of it but I had a friend who used to say, “It is not so much that you remember it all the time, but that you are willing to read it.” Just hang on to that; keep doing it. God’s Spirit will teach you His Word and enable it to sink in.
Jack: I think understanding God’s love for us is a critical point for every believer and that’s where our peace and joy come from, when we rest in God’s love, not in our accomplishments. When I look at my kids, I know how much I love them and I get a glimpse of how much God must love us because we are His kids!
Bruce: I know how much I love my daughter and my grand kids, even though we were estranged for a little while. I appreciate so much being back in the family. It means so much to me.
Jack: Yes, I understand. If my kid gave me a birthday card and “Happy Birthday, Daddy” was misspelled, I wouldn’t throw the card back in his face and say, “You stupid kid. I won’t accept this until you get it right.” Quite the opposite. I would look at his heart and would cherish the card so much because it came from his heart! I think God looks at us like that and it’s not about memorizing another verse in the Bible, it’s about our hearts loving Him and being grateful for what He has done for us (our salvation and God promising us abundant life now and eternal life forever). Our lives should reflect that attitude to others out of joy, not out of guilt or obligation.
Bruce: You’re right, I know a lot of people who can repeat a chapter or verse, but they do not have God in their heart.
Bruce: I think that one of the most special places on earth is that little chapel on the backstretch of Rockingham Park. We used to go there and have services on Sunday. Then, during the week, we would have a little 12-step program, and Pastor Lee would sit in on them. She said that maybe she could learn a little bit about it and she could help someone else. We did it week in and week out, every week I was there until the track closed.
Jack: Are there other distinct changes in your life as a result of your walk with God?
Bruce: One of the other blessings God has given me is that when I go home to visit my dad now, I actually go visit. I don’t use it as just a flophouse anymore. I used to go there and be out running with my buddies or I’d go home to make a pit stop and do my laundry. Now I can sit there and visit my parents; we can go to a car show together. Now my Dad goes to church and I go to church with him. I am a part of that with them. I just go and I enjoy it. When I was living there before, when I was in the midst of my addiction, I was never available. I was emotionally detached.
Jack: That’s a gift from God. You lived to see God restore your relationships and allow you to make amends to people you love. Now you have people that you can help, in the recovery program, at the track and everywhere you go. Now you are working with guys who are like you were earlier. They are trying to stay sober and working the 12 steps like you, and you know that it works. People stay sober if they follow the steps of that program, but as you experienced personally, it doesn’t mean that they are going to have that peace and joy and contentment in life. That is something that only comes from God. Are you able to bring that concept and truth into people hearts? I understand that you cannot bring Jesus into their heart; you can only plant the seed. I have been through the recovery program, as well, so I know how it works. It is great to follow the steps, but you have to have God in your life. How has the 12-step recovery program brought you and others closer to God?
Bruce: The best I can figure is that the 12-step program is a real sugar-coated, gentle way to lead people like myself to God. I lived it. I know. For each person it is the same recipe of recovery. Yet it is a different approach with each individual to get them to the recipe. It might be a girl off the street. It might be a girl that comes from a really good family and her father drops her off and he says, “Can you help her?” I have worked with a lot of guys who, in my opinion, are hard-core, and sometimes you have to lean on them. Sometimes you got to take the other approach. Sometimes it is reverse psychology. I am getting better at that now. Little by little, slowly. You cannot force it on them. But I can plant the seed and then I will take them to a service. I will load up the truck on a Sunday morning and I have had a few of them go up front and get saved. Even if they have a slip or a fallback, they know where to go and what to do. You know, nobody can ever take that away, no matter how hard life gets. If you are breathing and you believe in God, then you have that foundation in you somewhere.
Jack: It is interesting that when people are going through a 12-step recovery program, they seem to think that when they mess up they should run away from the program, as if they are unworthy, or their failure makes them unwanted. So they drop out of the program. People who know God sometimes make that same mistake. They think, “I screwed up. I will run away from God because now he must be mad at me.” I found it to be just the opposite. When you mess up, you should go to more meetings. That’s when you need the program the most. And when you sin, or fall short of what you think God wants from you, that’s when you need God the most. That’s when you should be running back to church, back to your bible and to your prayer time with God. It’s like the story of the prodigal son in the book of Luke. What is the best advice you ever got in your life?
Bruce: It was probably from my old sponsor, who has since passed away, he looked at me once when I was complaining about something and said, “You’ve got to change everything in your life, except the color of your eyes.”
Jack: That’s excellent. I have learned the same thing. I just rely on God. I say whatever you say Lord that is what I am going to do. You are an amazing harness driver. You have done this all your life and you are around lots of people. I remember talking to Chris Hammond. He used to pitch for the Yankees, the Braves and the Marlins. He is a very strong Christian guy. He said there was a group of players doing Bible studies, yet some of the guys just couldn’t wait until the Bible study was over so they could go out and party. He just couldn’t understand their hypocrisy. As a Christian, he was an outcast in the clubhouse and throughout most of baseball. Are you an outcast amongst your peers at the track?
Bruce: Yes I am, but they say God puts light in dark places. There are a few of us who are in a 12-step program who share God with others. Make no mistake about it; my lifestyle, the spiritual and recovery lifestyle, is not a popular one at the track or on the backstretch. It never has been. For the most part, from what I can see, there are young guys coming up and I see a lot of them putting money on the horses, buying fast>cars or partying way too much. Are they really planning for the future? I worry about that. I have sat in on a lot of driver and business meetings around racetracks over the years and never once has there ever been prayer or talk about God. It was always about who was going to get what here or what there.
Jack: Do you have the opportunity with some of these young guys that you see coming up to go over and say, “Here’s some of what I experienced, if it matters to you. I had cash, money, fame and fast cars and I saw that wasn’t the way to go. I just wanted to share that with you.” Or do you wait until somebody comes to you?
Bruce: It depends. Usually it’s best if I let them come to me when they’ve hit bottom and actually want my help and input. Sometimes though track management calls me and asks me if I can help someone. I’ve even had security personnel call me. Other times it’s a guy himself who is struggling or a friend of his. I have no problem going over and finding a seat and saying, “If you really decide you want to try something different and if you are struggling and looking for the way out I can get you to a meeting.” I am good with it that way. It just comes with time and practice. Sometimes I see guys that are stuck in the same addictions that I was stuck in, and not just for years, but for decades. It is very hard to come to work and stomach that. It breaks my heart to see it but they are trapped, whether it’s mental, physical or spiritual. You know they are going to hit rock bottom at some point, whether it’s going to be a bad health issue, a mental breakdown, something which ends up changing their life, if they don’t die first. I have seen people get locked up in jail and come right out and go right back to drugs. I’ve known people who have committed suicide. It makes you feel pretty helpless sometimes, but we are not God. We do what we can and carry the message of God, hope, faith and recovery as best we can, we try to be a good example, but the results belong to God and God alone
Jack: So God is giving you the peace to know that your job is just to try to help and you’re not responsible whether somebody takes it or not?
Bruce: I have gotten much better with it now. The first few years I would bring struggling people home. I’d have one on the couch, one on the floor, one on the porch. I’d be reading the recovery Big Book and the Bible to them in the morning and driving them to meetings. I’d get up and go to work. I’d come home and they would still be sitting on the porch and I could tell they hadn’t done anything all day. I’d think to myself, “Are you guys for real? You got to go!”
Jack: What’s the funniest thing that has ever happened to you? Bruce: All the things I used to think were funny; they’re really not that funny. It’s pretty sad. Today I’ve come to the point where I really just don’t know. Many times now, through my struggles, if it’s a tough moment, maybe depression, maybe anxiety or maybe I’m just emotionally unstable. I take a deep breath, think about it and just to know that I don’t really know all the answers gives me peace. I am so thankful that God does know all the answers and even more thankful that I know God! Also, I am so grateful that God has placed certain people in my life who I can call up at anytime and tell them anything I am thinking, good or bad. They are always there for me no matter what. That’s a blessing. Today I can laugh at myself and I try to embrace the insanity of life. I try not to take myself so seriously. And I practice. It’s not what I know, but it’s what I do. It’s like you were saying about reciting the Scripture; it’s nice if you can recite it, but can you live it? I cannot sit here and recite perfectly the 12-step program of recovery, but I live it and I practice it daily. I know people that can recite every page of it, but they cannot get sober. They know it but they don’t practice it.
Jack: As you look back on your life do you ever think, you know what God, I’ve had a hard life, and by the world standards I’m a successful guy, but I’ve suffered a lot. Do you ever wish it wasn’t that way?
Bruce: There were times, but not now. I can see how it all comes together. There were times early on when I was like, “Is this all there is?” For years I used to think that all I wanted was to be a champion harness driver. When all of that came to pass in 1995 or 1996, year after year, I’d just feel emptier and emptier. It just didn’t satisfy me. I just didn’t get it. I’d win four, five, six races in a night. 13 all in one day. I was still empty inside. The problem all along was God was never in the equation. Today my life has turned around completely and I am all the better for it. Although I wish I could tell you I am always happy, smiling and loving, that’s not true. There are times the pressures of being in the racing business get to me. There are economic pressures, day-to-day pressures of racing and caring for horses and managing employees. There are hardships and realities unique to the racing business, there’s pressure to perform that never goes away. It seems the perception is that you are only as good as your last race. There’s pressure to continue to generate sufficient income to make the stable run efficiently, pressure when horses are sick or not performing as they should. All this adds to my daily stress. So sometimes people see me on the backstretch and I am not happy, sometimes I am upset about stuff related to the business and it shows on my face and in my demeanor. That’s just a fact of life; there’s no escaping it. For me, and others in recovery, it is always about progress, not perfection.
Jack: If someone came to you and asked for the best advice on how to live life, what would you tell them to do?
Bruce: GOD, One word. God. The only ones that believe prayer does not work are the ones that have not tried it. Like anything else you should practice it to get better at it. I can look back now and I am glad my first couple of years were such a struggle, because if I had gotten it really easy and the obsession had left instantly, I wouldn’t have stayed with it. I would not have understood. I would have gone right back to doing what I was doing. For years, at the 12-step meetings, I wasn’t humble enough to make their coffee, or set up chairs. I wasn’t going to pick trash up after the meeting. I just wouldn’t do it. I thank God that He finally humbled me. That is what I needed most to save my life!
Jack: Do you find that now you have a peace that you did not have before, even with all the struggles? Do you feel that you have that peace with God now?
Bruce: Yes. One good thing about going through the trials is it keeps me remembering who I am and what I am as I go along because I forget sometimes. Everything that I have learned has a very short shelf life. I find when I really struggle, I double up on everything. I pray a little longer. I read a little more. I call my friends and counselors a little more. I share what’s going on with me. I catch an extra meeting. If you have that foundation, you know where to go back to. One time I was telling my counselor that I was having a vicious battle with depression. He said two things. One, I have to accept the fact that I suffer from clinical depression from time to time and learn not to wrestle with it when it comes.That’s one thing. Then he told me to write a gratitude letter to God thanking him for all the things in your life as far back as you can remember. I never finished the letter. I got into my third page and it went back to childhood and puppies and a first bicycle and things that I had long forgotten. I went through the recovery with God and the people who helped me and loved me and I realized, my life did not always suck. All I could think of right then when I was feeling sorry for myself was my horses are too slow, the purses are too cheap, life stinks. All the things that I thought I wanted then, I don’t want now. I have what I need. I don’t need a home with eight rooms that I am not going to use. I don’t need that. I used to want all that. I envied people who had it. I wanted what this guy had or what that guy had. I have been able to release that. When I am on a good spell, it’s real good. When I am not, I look at it as part of my foundation. It toughens me up. It makes me see what I am made of. I like it a lot better when I’m coaching someone else through their troubles. Some of the other things I learned were to send people flowers while they are alive. Don’t wait for the funeral. Now I get on a plane if somebody is sick and go visit. Even if I miss a day of racing, I’ll fly down and I will sit by their bedside and talk about God and make sure they are all right with Jesus and say a prayer. I do that today, because I was taught to do it. That is what I have come to believe. I used to do everything for me. Even if I was sober enough to go to the store and buy Christmas presents and put them in the mail, I did it because I wanted people to say, “Look, what Bruce got me for Christmas.” I wasn’t doing it for them. That was a tough one to swallow, trying to play the big shot. I used to just want to write them a check, but never give my time. I was too selfish for that. I didn’t want to do any service for them. Now I like to write them a letter and say, “How are you doing?” Take some time. Go and visit.
Jack: When you think about horses, you better than anyone know if you have a dozen horses in your stable, they all have different abilities. They all have different potential. I believe that your desire as a trainer, as a driver, would be to bring out the best potential of each horse. You would never expect a $4000 claiming horse to race like an open horse, but you expect him to be the best $4000 claimer that he can be. I think that God looks at us like that. If we do that we can expect when we get to heaven we will hear, “Well done good and faithful servant, come share your Master’s happiness.” It is not based on our accomplishments; it is based on our obedience. God said in the book of James there would be trials and tribulations and then He said, “I am going to use them to mold and shape you into the man that I want you to be so your joy will be complete.” God is doing all this for our benefit! Bruce, you have the passion for lost people in the world and those struggling with addiction and other issues. This is the God’s mission for you. This is how he is using you. I look at it as if you are the luckiest guy in the world. Not because you took the wrong road, but because you were on that road. You saw other people there and saw they were going to die. You knew they were going to hell for all eternity, apart from knowing and accepting God. Many of them, now because of YOU, are going to be alive. You showed them the light both in an earthly way with the benefits of the 2-step program and in a heavenly way with the eternal saving gospel of Jesus Christ. I am excited that you are at the stage in your life where God is using you. It doesn’t hurt that you just happen to be a great harness driver, which is clearly what God called you to do and where he placed you so he could use you for His kingdom. Have you learned any lessons from your experience with horses that apply to your life?
Bruce: A friend of mine in Maine works with clients and horses as a part of a recovery therapy program. She’s amazing. You pick the horse you want to work with, you make your horse turn around. You make it trot. Basically you have to control it by the way you communicate with it. I was up there one day and she said, “Bruce, it’s your turn.” I’m in there and I’m doing it and she said “Okay make her trot.” and I give the horse a little tap on the butt to make her trot, she walked three steps and stopped. And my friend says to me again, “Make her trot.” So I tried it again and the horse walked three or four steps and stopped again. My friend said, “Come here” and asked me, “How does doing what you just did apply in your personal relationships at home?” Then asked me the same question again! Well, I finally figured it out. It was all about communication. It’s not enough to know what I am saying. I need to make sure I understand what people hear. I used to keep trying to communicate something with whoever I was living with at the time, but I wouldn’t do it right. So I got frustrated, if they weren’t doing what I wanted and I would just give up. I would just go on about my business. Go to the gym. Go to my 12-step meetings and eventually my relationships would blow up because of a failure to communicate. So I learned to keep asking, to keep communicating until I got it right! It’s that simple.
Jack: Have you ever seen first hand the direct results of God using you to bring others closer to Him?
Bruce: Funny you should ask. I’ll tell you the most amazing story of all. Maybe three years ago, I spoke with my brother, probably for the first time since I’d been really sober this time and found God. I think that we disliked each other all of our life. We fought from the time we were kids. I had nothing to do with him and wanted nothing to do with him. We got into a real drunken physical altercation one time. It got real ugly. So anyway, I was up there and I was working on making amends to him. When I told him all the things that I was thinking about him, he was thinking the same about me. I thought I had treated him bad and it turned out he thought the same thing about me. Come to find out he had his struggles with life, too. He had gone through all that same 10 years worth of crap that I had. He drove a truck for a delivery service, one of those early morning delivery guys, so I called him early in the morning and I told him about the 12-step program and what God is doing in my life. Based on experience I could tell he wasn’t going to go that route. I asked him if he knew the definition of insanity? I told him it was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I said, “I want you to do me a favor. I want you to find a Christian radio station and listen to at least one song a day.” That’s all I said. I did not hear from him for almost 2 weeks. I called him and he said, “You won’t believe what happened.” I said, “What happened? He said, “I turned the radio on and they were doing that prayer. Turn your life around and give your life to Jesus. He said he cried uncontrollably on and off for 12 straight days. He joined the church and when he is not working, or sleeping he is studying the Bible. He married a Christian woman in Illinois. I went to the wedding. They have since moved to Maine and they drive around all the time right down to the city and he will witness to everyone. He has got it. I think he is over-the-top for God in the best possible way.
Jack: Your ministry is as equal, effective and as worthy to God as his is. You are each doing God’s will and that makes you a champion for God, and that’s title you can never lose! It’s yours for all eternity. Bruce, thank you for meeting with me today. Our time together has been a blessing for me. I know all the CHHA members will be inspired by your story and it will be our privilege to continue to pray that God uses you mightily, as he has been doing, to glorify Himself and build the kingdom. God bless you!